These days

Well weve decided on a name. This is the name - LeiLani Ann Smalley. And I absolutly love it. The meaning of the name Leilani is Hawiian for Heavenly Flower. And the moment I knew it was right was the moment my mom sang her name when talking about her. it was great. Josh calls her that all the time so she will probably get use to it pretty quickly.

Sadly, with as excited as I am about Leilani - ive still be feeling the "baby blues". Im not sure why now...
Josh and I are about the celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary on Wednesday with a nice dinner (our tradition) at Melting Pot.
Ive been feeling Leilani kick and hiccup now more and more - and this baby bump is becoming very visible.

However, Ive been thinking. Im realizing I feel alone. Its at no ones fault, and I blame no one. I just feel forgotten and alone at times. Im noticing I always feel like Im at home, and not really doing fun stuff with my friends. I dont know if its my fault, or if its because Im not considered for invitations out because one would assume - why would a pregnant girl want to be at a drinking party? But thats just how I feel. I miss my friends. And Im getting very nervous about life to come. Because it will drastically change very soon!

I want to talk about babies, and none of my friends have any. I love shopping for stuff, and some people find that boring, if they dont hate shopping all together. I feel in a completely different spot than most of my friends - and thats because I am. I almost feel like I dont have things in common with my friends anymore. And then Leilani will be here, and I wont see anyone anyways. I will be wrapped up in here, and so tight on money I wont be able to do anything but walk the block to get out of my house. And I dont see many friends wanting to do that with me...

Hell, I even feel like Im not getting enough time with Josh. All I want to do is hang out with him - and he says we do. But I dont feel like we do. I feel like I see him for an hour or so at a time and then one of us is sleeping. I miss him more than anything.

And dont get me wrong. I cant wait for Leilani to get here. I cant wait for all those sleepless nights walking her around the house trying to get her to sleep and staring into her eyes (which will probably be hazel). I cant wait to see her smile at Josh, and see him light up. And her giggle for the first time. I cant wait for every simple moment we take for granted when we get older. Im ready to be a mom to this little girl. She will be my everything, and will complete my family. She will become my little best friend, and will be the person I need a hug from the most. I fall to her now at times when I feel alone, and she always lets me know she is there. And this one little person will change my life forever. I just hope I have friends to enjoy it with me..




I dont direct any of this at anyone, and no one is in mind when I say my friends. I simply mean this in a way I see it. I might be wrong, but I dont feel I am sometimes. I feel alone. And I pretty much blame myself, and my horemones. This is all about how I feel and see my life (so please dont take this personal if you read it - its not about you)